The Space Between: What We Hear When We Listen

Photo by Michael Fousert on Unsplash

At the start of every mediation, I begin by speaking directly with the parties about their role in the process - not just about civility or confidentiality, but about listening.

I explain that I expect them to be present and engaged. To listen with curiosity and an open mind. To be open to movement and persuasion. Not because it sounds virtuous, but because it is practical. In mediation, listening is how progress is made.

Even when a dispute is framed as being “about money,” resolution rarely turns on numbers alone. Any settlement has to work for both sides. That requires understanding what actually matters to the other party - their concerns, their pressures, their sense of fairness, and sometimes their need to be acknowledged. That understanding does not come from preparing a response or rehearsing the next argument. It comes from listening closely enough to allow what you hear to influence how you assess the problem and the available options for resolving it.

I often think of Epictetus, one of the early Stoic philosophers, who observed that we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak. It is a simple idea, but a demanding one. Listening in conflict requires restraint. It means resisting the urge to interrupt or rebut. It means being willing to sit with what is being said, even when it challenges assumptions or provokes strong reactions.

Many of the court-connected mediations I conduct begin with a joint session. This opening meeting allows me to introduce myself to the parties, establish a constructive tone, review the ground rules, and set expectations for how the process will unfold. From there, we often move directly into private breakout sessions, where I meet separately with each side and spend much of the day moving between rooms.

In that setting, counsel and parties often ask me: What are you hearing in there? What’s the tone? Who’s doing the talking? How are they reacting? These questions reflect an understanding that progress depends on more than positions and offers. It also depends on how offers are received, how people respond to the last offer on the table, and the pace at which the negotiation is unfolding. In other matters I mediate - including conflicts involving executives, boards, or related organizations - joint sessions often play a much more central role. The process shifts, but the importance of listening does not.

This is where the space between words matters. The pauses. The moments when no one rushes to fill the silence. Those moments are rarely empty. Silence can be telling, particularly when paired with body language - downcast eyes, a tightened jaw, signs of anger or fatigue. Often, it is in these moments that people reveal concerns they have been harbouring or express emotions that have been buried beneath positions and demands.

Neutrality is essential to this work, but it is sometimes misunderstood. Being a neutral does not mean being detached or indifferent. It means listening with even-handed curiosity, without judgment or agenda. It also means listening carefully enough to convey, accurately and fairly, what is being said in one room to those in another. When people trust that they are being heard - and heard faithfully - they are more willing to listen in return. That shift, from speaking to be right to listening to understand, can change the entire dynamic of a conversation.

Parties regularly tell me, sometimes with visible relief, “Thank you for giving me the space to be heard.” I hear it often enough that it no longer surprises me - but it does remind me why listening matters. For many people, mediation may be their only real opportunity to speak fully and be listened to. If the dispute resolves, that mediation may be their day in court.

Progress in mediation rarely comes from saying more. It comes from listening better. From paying attention to tone, timing, and what changes when the room grows quiet. And often, in that space between words, people experience something that lies at the heart of effective dispute resolution: the opportunity to be heard.